Cthulhu Hungers again (not to be confused with Waltson, so send the hate mail to me please (comment)).
For those who don’t know, which is most people: if you’re European, your ancestors used to sacrifice people to magic trees. They saved their prisoners all year round, and when the winter solstice came, the priests of Odin would hang them from magic oak trees. Thirteen of every animal including people were traditionally hung from the tree, don’t ask me how they did it with the cows, I don’t know. The symbol of Odin was the noose. The priests of Odin would drain the blood from the sacrifices and sprinkle it on the faces of the crowd for a blessing. If you can’t see the parallels to modern Christmas let me take it a little farther for you. This was done so that when Odin flew over the houses of the people on his magic horse with eight legs, he would give them gifts instead of killing them with plague. Oh yeah and everyone hung red and white hallucinogenic mushrooms up to dry then ate em and walked around looking at the pretty lights and crazy stuff flying by in the sky. Because there’s not a lot to do in the middle of winter in Europe except try really hard not to die, most people used to die in winter. The elderly simply got weakened immune systems from low temperatures and malnutrition and were killed by the common cold. Or they didn’t appease Odin with enough mushrooms.
HAPPY VIKING MAGIC TREE DAY
A little bit later, a group of people came out of Rome. They called themselves the Christians, and were actually a repackaging of the old Dagon church of the Philistenes, who worshiped Triton, the half human son of Poseidon, the monstrous sea god, in exchange for free fish, fertility, sex, and probably eating lots of mushrooms. The guy who translated the Dead Sea Scrolls was pretty damn sure that the “eating the flesh of Christ” part was actually mushrooms. You may have wondered why communion (literally “to merge with the god”) seems to play such a central role in a Christian service. For some reason, the Romans regarded these people as a bunch of degenerate hippies and tried to feed them to lions and nail them to crosses till they went away, but the movement took over instead by merging perfectly with the Roman gods, Jupiter became Jehovah, both are actually called Giove in Latin.
Did I say it took over perfectly? There was the part where all the soldiers in Rome fought all the other soldiers in Rome and the new emperor Constantine saw a floating cross in the sky that told him he would win if he converted Rome to Christianity. He won the battle and set about grabbing anyone who wouldn’t convert and feeding them to lions and nailing them to crosses instead. That worked pretty well. Then they sent missionairies north to talk to the Odin people and together they concluded that since Odin was nailed to a magic tree and had a son Thor whose symbol is a hammer and looks almost exactly like a cross, they had actually been Christian all along and they had a great time hanging people from trees instead of nailing them to crosses for a while.
Next the bottom fell out of Rome due to rich fools running it into the ground, which happens to every government eventually, and the Holy Christian Church was left to pick up the pieces. Well there were actually two Holy Christian Churches, the Roman one and the one in Constantinople, but Islam would take care of Constantinople later. Catholicism ended up running Europe not because they wanted to, but because no one else was left who knew how to read. Civilization was busy being reset back to zero by Huns, Visigoths, Mongols and other people who copied each other’s business model: ride by, shoot people, burn things, eat things and people, ride away. It worked so well it knocked China and the Middle East back to the stone age and some places have never even recovered. Europe was only saved because the bottom fell out of the Mongol government due to rich people running it into the ground, and everyone had to go home.
So use this season to ponder the meaning of Christmas. You are still alive. You win. That is the only prize there ever was or ever will be, and it used to cost a lot of people hanging from magic trees to get it. We live in fortunate times. As Bill Hicks said, we could end world hunger tomorrow many times over with the trillions we spend on defense, and explore space together. Let’s try to get there before the bottom drops out again!
Thank you for pondering!
P.S. this piece is not meant to criticize religion. I personally believe in the reality of a spiritual world and I have great admiration for religion. I wrote this piece because I believe people should study the history of religion and understand it. I believe the problems usually come from intolerance of other people’s beliefs and I see quite a few atheists leaning that way these days, so please do not hang or crucify anyone for not NOT believing in God either. Just keep an eye on anybody trying to sneak up on you with a rope or a hammer especially if there are trees around!