To Castle Poopypants!

I’ve had a castle on my coffee cup for years and never thought about it. The symbol represents Order, Civilization, Progress, good things etc. and it’s always bothered me. Now I get it.
There are certain people in the world who I will call the poopypants people. They just generally suck and they always need to make their suckiness everybody else’s problem. They usually come with an army of poor bastards who they’ve bullied into following them, and a lot of poopyheads like themselves who weren’t lucky enough to be the top poopypants and instead got beat by the gang and had to join. They usually sell out RIGHT away:D
So the problem with humans is you get these kinds of people wandering around burning everybody else’s house to the ground because now they are a poopypants with power. Enter the castle.

Most people don’t know this, but a castle is not designed to keep people out. It’s designed to kill them coming IN. That drawbridge is left down at first because they want the first wave to charge in. Once a suitable number of people are across the bridge, the portcullis slams down behind the invading force, trapping them against the gates. A portcullis is a metal grate that you can see through. This is because they want you to see what happens to the first wave as they pour boiling oil through the murder holes in the ceiling. THEN the drawbridge goes up.

Please Come In…
Because of this, it didn’t take long for armies to figure out that if you just wait OUTSIDE the castle and DON’T GO IN THERE, you can yell insults back and forth for a year while you eat and they starve to death. THEN you go in there (it’s safest if you wait 20 years:D).
The problem with laying siege, as it’s called, is that while your army is camped outside the castle taking all the food that’s trying to get in there, some OTHER poopypants who pretended to be your friend is probably taking over YOUR castle just because they can. England changed hands several times in this way.
Because of this, castles served to bring the general scale of humanity up by killing all the poopypantses as they either ran into castles or stayed outside of them. This is why the symbol came to have the meaning that it does.
There is one final irony to the story. The poopypantses are quick learners. They generally have a BETTER army than everybody else because it is the only thing they care about. If they deployed it in the field they would win. But, given a chance, they would probably turtle up in the castle the same as everybody else, because they can win with very few losses that way. They’ve seen the good guys do it a million times. Funny thing about when the poopypants is under siege. Nobody else wants to attack the guy who is keeping him in there. They’re happier to have the poopypants die. I imagine the most terrifying thing in the entire Medieval period would have been that year in that castle with the poopypants where they finally realize no one likes them and they have no one to take their rage out on but their own people. Again the overall score of civilization goes up, and the good guys get a nice castle when it’s over. Just don’t ask where it came from;)


P.S. Apologies to all the poopypants I know. I love you guys. I am one too:D

The Blurry Edge

Our ancestors lived in a world with a nice blurry edge to it. You could just sail off the map and disappear, no matter where you were. Our generation is told that edge does not exist anymore. We are being lied to. The blurry edge exists, and will always exist, right where the money stops.  It is right in your own town, right now. A bunch of lunatics, rushing off the edge as fast as they can. You know who they are. I recommend them to you. Watch them run. Listen to their rambling tales of what lies beyond the edge.

Our governments have failed miserably to deliver on the promises of science. You have an excellent computer and we are all here together chatting about what went wrong while the rockets lie behind us unused. This is not an accident. But enough looking behind you. Please direct your gaze back to the screen. The pressure is upon all of us to conform. To do what is good for the company, by changing a lot of things about ourselves so we look like our boss, which does not help the company in any way.

So walk up to the edge and take a nice long look. Travel to a place where the edge REALLY gets serious if you want to. Just don’t forget that it is still there, no matter how many of us wear ties and run in circles trying to convince ourselves it doesn’t exist. Never forget that edge is there.

great waterfall looking like the end of the world

“Never forget that edge is there.”

The Meaning of Christmas

Cthulhu Hungers again (not to be confused with Waltson, so send the hate mail to me please (comment)).

For those who don’t know, which is most people: if you’re European, your ancestors used to sacrifice people to magic trees. They saved their prisoners all year round, and when the winter solstice came, the priests of Odin would hang them from magic oak trees. Thirteen of every animal including people were traditionally hung from the tree, don’t ask me how they did it with the cows, I don’t know. The symbol of Odin was the noose. The priests of Odin would drain the blood from the sacrifices and sprinkle it on the faces of the crowd for a blessing. If you can’t see the parallels to modern Christmas let me take it a little farther for you. This was done so that when Odin flew over the houses of the people on his magic horse with eight legs, he would give them gifts instead of killing them with plague. Oh yeah and everyone hung red and white hallucinogenic mushrooms up to dry then ate em and walked around looking at the pretty lights and crazy stuff flying by in the sky. Because there’s not a lot to do in the middle of winter in Europe except try really hard not to die, most people used to die in winter. The elderly simply got weakened immune systems from low temperatures and malnutrition and were killed by the common cold. Or they didn’t appease Odin with enough mushrooms.


A little bit later, a group of people came out of Rome. They called themselves the Christians, and were actually a repackaging of the old Dagon church of the Philistenes, who worshiped Triton, the half human son of Poseidon, the monstrous sea god, in exchange for free fish, fertility, sex, and probably eating lots of mushrooms. The guy who translated the Dead Sea Scrolls was pretty damn sure that the “eating the flesh of Christ” part was actually mushrooms. You may have wondered why communion (literally “to merge with the god”) seems to play such a central role in a Christian service. For some reason, the Romans regarded these people as a bunch of degenerate hippies and tried to feed them to lions and nail them to crosses till they went away, but the movement took over instead by merging perfectly with the Roman gods, Jupiter became Jehovah, both are actually called Giove in Latin.

Did I say it took over perfectly? There was the part where all the soldiers in Rome fought all the other soldiers in Rome and the new emperor Constantine saw a floating cross in the sky that told him he would win if he converted Rome to Christianity. He won the battle and set about grabbing anyone who wouldn’t convert and feeding them to lions and nailing them to crosses instead. That worked pretty well. Then they sent missionairies north to talk to the Odin people and together they concluded that since Odin was nailed to a magic tree and had a son Thor whose symbol is a hammer and looks almost exactly like a cross, they had actually been Christian all along and they had a great time hanging people from trees instead of nailing them to crosses for a while.

Next the bottom fell out of Rome due to rich fools running it into the ground, which happens to every government eventually, and the Holy Christian Church was left to pick up the pieces. Well there were actually two Holy Christian Churches, the Roman one and the one in Constantinople, but Islam would take care of Constantinople later. Catholicism ended up running Europe not because they wanted to, but because no one else was left who knew how to read. Civilization was busy being reset back to zero by Huns, Visigoths, Mongols and other people who copied each other’s business model: ride by, shoot people, burn things, eat things and people, ride away. It worked so well it knocked China and the Middle East back to the stone age and some places have never even recovered. Europe was only saved because the bottom fell out of the Mongol government due to rich people running it into the ground, and everyone had to go home.

So use this season to ponder the meaning of Christmas. You are still alive. You win. That is the only prize there ever was or ever will be, and it used to cost a lot of people hanging from magic trees to get it. We live in fortunate times. As Bill Hicks said, we could end world hunger tomorrow many times over with the trillions we spend on defense, and explore space together. Let’s try to get there before the bottom drops out again!

Thank you for pondering!


P.S. this piece is not meant to criticize religion. I personally believe in the reality of a spiritual world and I have great admiration for religion. I wrote this piece because I believe people should study the history of religion and understand it. I believe the problems usually come from intolerance of other people’s beliefs and I see quite a few atheists leaning that way these days, so please do not hang or crucify anyone for not NOT believing in God either. Just keep an eye on anybody trying to sneak up on you with a rope or a hammer especially if there are trees around!

The Nonexistent Threat of Human Overpopulation

Overpopulation cartoon

There are truly too many of you.

If you know anything you know that many of the richest people in the world like Bill Gates spend a lot of time worrying about human overpopulation. Short version is you can draw a graph with human population curving up and up and up to infinity. Somewhere long before infinity is the amount of resources available on Earth. So there is a problem. For some reason, the solution always involves killing off a large portion of the poor people. In the recent book Inferno by Dan Brown, the DaVinci Code author, there is a retrovirus that just randomly sterilizes one half of Earth’s population, for a marginally better solution.

None of this is necessary. Industrialized countries all over the world have birth rates of almost zero. Theoretically we should be working already to modernize the third world countries as fast as possible, because it’s PROFITABLE. Thus the problem takes care of itself way before the curve passes the line. Because people who live in modernized countries don’t want children, they take away from your time playing video games. Selfishness will save us all.

The only argument that really can be made against this statement is that we need to keep the poor countries poor and non industrialized. First it’s OK to let them suffer. Then it’s OK to just wipe them out. But this is intrinsically a racist argument disguised as an economic one. Just like everything has to add up to an economic growth, which will become unsustainable anyway. Just my opinion. But hey, I believe in aliens so what do I know.

Holocaust memorial in San Fransisco