To Castle Poopypants!

I’ve had a castle on my coffee cup for years and never thought about it. The symbol represents Order, Civilization, Progress, good things etc. and it’s always bothered me. Now I get it.
There are certain people in the world who I will call the poopypants people. They just generally suck and they always need to make their suckiness everybody else’s problem. They usually come with an army of poor bastards who they’ve bullied into following them, and a lot of poopyheads like themselves who weren’t lucky enough to be the top poopypants and instead got beat by the gang and had to join. They usually sell out RIGHT away:D
So the problem with humans is you get these kinds of people wandering around burning everybody else’s house to the ground because now they are a poopypants with power. Enter the castle.

Most people don’t know this, but a castle is not designed to keep people out. It’s designed to kill them coming IN. That drawbridge is left down at first because they want the first wave to charge in. Once a suitable number of people are across the bridge, the portcullis slams down behind the invading force, trapping them against the gates. A portcullis is a metal grate that you can see through. This is because they want you to see what happens to the first wave as they pour boiling oil through the murder holes in the ceiling. THEN the drawbridge goes up.

Please Come In…
Because of this, it didn’t take long for armies to figure out that if you just wait OUTSIDE the castle and DON’T GO IN THERE, you can yell insults back and forth for a year while you eat and they starve to death. THEN you go in there (it’s safest if you wait 20 years:D).
The problem with laying siege, as it’s called, is that while your army is camped outside the castle taking all the food that’s trying to get in there, some OTHER poopypants who pretended to be your friend is probably taking over YOUR castle just because they can. England changed hands several times in this way.
Because of this, castles served to bring the general scale of humanity up by killing all the poopypantses as they either ran into castles or stayed outside of them. This is why the symbol came to have the meaning that it does.
There is one final irony to the story. The poopypantses are quick learners. They generally have a BETTER army than everybody else because it is the only thing they care about. If they deployed it in the field they would win. But, given a chance, they would probably turtle up in the castle the same as everybody else, because they can win with very few losses that way. They’ve seen the good guys do it a million times. Funny thing about when the poopypants is under siege. Nobody else wants to attack the guy who is keeping him in there. They’re happier to have the poopypants die. I imagine the most terrifying thing in the entire Medieval period would have been that year in that castle with the poopypants where they finally realize no one likes them and they have no one to take their rage out on but their own people. Again the overall score of civilization goes up, and the good guys get a nice castle when it’s over. Just don’t ask where it came from;)

 

P.S. Apologies to all the poopypants I know. I love you guys. I am one too:D

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